DALLAS, Texas - 

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–’ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.